someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
