I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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