I can text with my tongue
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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