My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
