so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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