got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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