Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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