I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize