She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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