he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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