sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
