thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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