Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
