You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
