I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
