I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize