And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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