I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wanna go halves on a baby?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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