I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
