I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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