I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
