I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Someone shattered a urinal.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
