u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
