I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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