Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
