I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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