One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
