i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
