Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
