I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
