My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Found your dick twin last night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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