walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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