Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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