Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
