I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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