Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
