i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize