Betty ford says i'm here all night
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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