I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
