Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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