It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
