Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
