i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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