You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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