I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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