Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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