you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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