just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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