probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
