I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
