there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
