You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
