Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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