I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
