its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
