you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
